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Today I will Fly

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29th December 2011

6:29pm: This is Perfect:

I still wish on stars, sometimes.

When one is not enough I wish on constellations;

(I wish on entire galaxies.)

You can have my wish tonight. I’ll wish it for you.

I wish you passion that slips in through your skin and wakes you, before you’re ready.

I wish you hope that surrounds you and tucks you in at night.

I wish you quiet when you don’t seek it, and noisy when you need it. I wish you a song that slides inside your hips and won’t be still. I wish you a laugh that throws your head back and refuses to be contained.

I wish you your eight-year-old smile, escaping, in the middle of your important, grown-up day.

(I saw it once peeking out, before you put it away. I know it’s in there.)

I wish you wistful wanting that goes unfulfilled...for awhile.

I wish all your jagged edges washed smooth by tears that come from laughing too hard and too long; from beauty that makes them spill out without your permission.

I wish you forgetting. I wish the ink of your old hurts faded, weathered by the sun, until you can’t read them anymore.

I wish you a dream that sinks its teeth into you and won’t let go. That interrupts your plans. That keeps you up at night.

I wish you a heart that aches from stretching in undiscovered places.

I wish you more, and again more, and yes still more: love.

13th November 2011

6:07pm: Dear lovely ones,
I wanted to share with you some of my work from the past month or so in which I have been working oh so very hard.
I felt like some of you might be interested in some of the things that i create with my hands and my brain and my heart.
So here they are,
a selection of works:Collapse )

9th October 2011

12:40am: A Manifesto of Anything
A creature is sleeping in me. Unearthing me, burying me in my own saltwater, letting the barnacles grow on me.
I wish Ginsberg would sing to me on Saturday nights when it is raining and i have to tell myself i can take care.
I wish Patti Smith could stroke my hair and Neruda would rub my feet to remind me who i once was.
Your eyes resemble a child in the night, a pomegranate king.
I will fuck you like you were a prayer.
You are the sky and my hollow night, you are the thing that holds me in the night, you are the saint of my body.
I don't want to let go of your hand, I just need to hear your voice. I'm holding my breath just to hear it.
And i know that this is wrong, that i make everything too romantic, that you don't even believe in romance and that you didn't really believe in love until me, that maybe i changed your mind and maybe i could change your mind again.
And i know that i make mountains out of everything just so i can move them out of my way when i feel strong enough.
i stay up into the night just to feel hollow eyed and alone, just to feel the quiet loneliness that is a rainy night in october somewhere close to halloween, to feel the pain of anger of madness and of the holy mind that is always there mocking me.
And i know that i just write these words to keep me company in that night, but maybe i too believe in love, maybe i too believe in second chances and thing changing always and your hand in the night, wrapped around my foot, breathing me back to care.

20th December 2010

9:06am: I just had sex
This makes me so happy, I especially love how glowy and happy Akon is(and he also looks suspiciously like H!):

14th December 2010

11:06pm: So this is kind of embarrassing- because i don't really know what i'm doing- but this is me and my concertina:

4th December 2010

12:50am: Writer's Block: Get those creative juices flowing
Who has most influenced you the most creatively, and how?

Tori Amos. Without doubt. Her sonic sculpting and the intricacies of her lyrics bring out every little thing in me. Also Francesca Lia Block- she made me understand why and how I need to create.

4th October 2010

7:07pm: "I am not sure that I exist, actually. I am all the writers that I have read, all the people that I have met, all the women that I have loved; all the cities I have visited."
- Jorge Luis Borges

This is how i feel...

12th August 2010

11:52pm: Dance dance dance!
After watching the season finale of SYTYCD I have been feeling incredibly inspired by dance as an art form, the stories it tells and the emotion it enables in me. I've been investigating different forms and have been so moved by it all. Mostly I'm just SO turned on by Russell and Lil C krumping together tonight.
There is this beast in me that feels this so strongly- eep take a look:

30th July 2010

6:42pm: Text Message to Hudson
Me: Do you have any plans tonight?
Hudson:Yep. Gonna see you.

aw shucks.
Other things: my sister just had her wisdom teeth out, she's crying in her bed with my stuffed squid and her bear, but I'm having severe sympathy pain, i can barely chew my jaw hurts so bad!
I made cinnamon buns! whee!

28th September 2009

3:58pm: I can't wait to see this:

18th June 2009

8:21am: something is eating away at me
with splendid teeth

10th June 2009

10:38am: Te Amo La Vida.
Sometimes it makes me want to cry.
How beautiful it is.
I have been on this journey- and somehow looking back at it...i am so grateful for it all.
I am grateful for my curiosity that has never stopped me moving forward, and my intellect- at wanting to understand these things...this thing- called Life.
I don't think it will ever be over...there is always so much more abundantly waiting.

This is what i have found.
I have so much to give. I have been led to this well of Love within me, and if i align with it just right, it is completely endless. I can Love without return or expectation, because in this way it is loving myself too.
Opening of the heart. Flowing with Grace.

There is no such thing as perfect. Perfection will never come. All that will come are moments of clarity. Of Yes. This is just right. Just now. And we can't make them happen. They just do. All we can do is try and listen, and pounce on them when they are there.

Tender True humanity. In a way i could say this is the only perfection there is, but that would be contradictory.
Lately i have noticed that when my heart is lit and i feel alive, i can only see the potential for greatness in everyone. It is like the mask of their being slips down- their heart is exposed and they stand there beautiful, naked and glowing. It is an image of a human who has never been wounded.
And this is perfect. This is humanity. Our interconnectedness, our electrifying and terrifying experience of being here together, and sometimes i see that Life is nothing more than just being here. Together.

Growth comes from extreme pain, from travelling down to those places no one wants to go. To the heart of doubt and the center of uncertainty. Where you forget how to exist because everything that hurts is just blaringly loud. But this is the moment before return- and we need it. Or else we would never grow.

None of this is me. And everything is me.
It is hard for me to take credit for feeling these things and experience such divinity lately. I sort of feel like i brought myself to a place of alignment, but the rest- it just flows through me. And it is everything and we are everything. And i am me. And i am you.
Heart lamp lit to illuminate my own darkness, and yours too.

But this doesn't mean i don't forget. This doesn't mean i stop hurting. But it means that i know how my hurting is utterly human. And perhaps i wouldn't have a body and live on this earth with my feet touching the ground if i didn't feel these things too. So. I am truly grateful. To be human.

18th May 2009

10:13pm: Save a space for me, beside you.
A place shaped just right, where the shadows and the light come to meet.
Where the thorns slide off the stems of roses and the gentle night holds us close.
I’m looking for you in the places in between.
I’m, catching dust motes in my teeth. I’m drinking too much coffee and I’m not sleeping long enough.
I’m waiting to be caught in the fragile strings and sinews of your heart.
I’m waiting to make music from the sounds that it will make.
I’m waiting to write a symphony with everything you say.

13th May 2009

10:52pm: Sometimes you see so closely what it is you need to see.
Loving desperately what is mortal within us. Holding it closely and trying not to want to swap molecules with every other human being that is here too. Wouldn't it be better if i were someone else? If my skin weren't so grey and my feet not so sore?
The mountains are concealed in clouds like cloaks. I can't even see in front of my feet and it's raining so hard.
Like the night is having a breakdown fall apart moment and the sky is seeping with tears.
It's really beautiful when you think of it this way. Better than any silent night.
I have a secret source. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about it. But knowing you are out there makes me want to scream it to the world and wear it like a banner emblazoned across my chest.
The secret is like water that feeds and nourishes, it's like when you are exhausted and you finally get into bed, you just collapse because you are so tired, it's like waking up totally fresh and ready to keep going. But it's different- it's more simple and more complex too.
It's basically- Love.
I didn't want to say it like that because it's not a secret anymore but i had to tell someone- and so i picked you.

9th May 2009

7:10pm: Because my day has already been too long and because i am feeling grumpy:

This made me feel so much better. Read as far down as you like and save it for a bad day.

7th May 2009

11:42am: Submerging
In the mornings i drink so much coffee.
I quiver and shake, but feel more inspired than ever and i can DO things. I run to the beat of my music, i dance and move. I write overlooking mountains cloaked in mist and ocean stillness. I feel like myself again. My mind awake.
At night i descend deeply into myself. The fear part of myself, the inhibited i can't do this it's impossible part of myself. I am alone and the rains of May pummel my skylight so that i can barely hear my thoughts.
They aren't good thoughts anyway so this is okay.
From hour to hour i change incessantly. I am a kaleidescope of people and stories, of strengths and weaknesses.
And most of the time i never know what i really want. I only know what i don't want. It feels like i am a blank canvass or a mirror to reflect what the world shows me, i have no direction in this. My picture is dissolving. I am dissolving as a person.
As i grow spiritually all of my Ego things fall away. The things i used to hold on to for comfort, habits and feelings. I am only getting more neutral in this process, more objective.
To think of myself a year ago, i was passionate about change. I wanted to be an ambassador of it, I wanted to be a Rainbow Warrior and fight for truth. I wanted to save sharks, I wanted to be the voice of the voiceless. It felt safe to identify with something that i believed in.
I wish i still had that passion and determination to follow through with things, the motivation and momentum. But it's as if this awakening to what is real, to the huge scope of the universe has shown me how much nothing really matters. All is one and i am part of that, and no matter what i do i cannot separate from that oneness.
Part of me trusts it and knows that all i need now is surrender. I need to stop worrying about what i am doing with my life, where i am going with my dreams. But this other part, this very human part feels responsible for doing something grand and hopeful. For effecting some sort of change while i'm here on earth. Inspiring others, lighting the spark so they can see themselves more clearly.
I am in limbo trying to marry these two parts of me.
To join with the holy AND to stay functioning with the belief that i am separate. It doesn't really work.
My fear of this shift is getting in the way:
"This fear is a final defense mechanism of the ego itself a resistance to it's own submergence."
And here i stand in this place of erasing and submerging.

27th April 2009

1:04am: It's easy. You just love me with all your heart and soul till the end of time.

26th April 2009

6:29pm: Charlotte at Prussia Cove

This is my favorite picture.
Speaking of Home: this is Charlotte in Prussia Cove, a place in Cornwall i went to and worked/lived/loved in two years ago. It is the place i have felt most at home in this world, a place that birthed the magic in me.

24th March 2009

12:35am: Today was my birthday. I am 21.
I woke myself up laughing.
My boyfriend forgot my birthday but when he remembered he almost cried he felt so bad.And then drew a heart on my heart with beet juice.
I couldn't help but forgive him.
When i got back to Montreal there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me from my mama and poppa.Messages and packages.
My roomates made me a cake and sang to me.
I did a presentation on Yoko Ono for my Art Ed class and we asked everyone to write a wish so that we for the Imagine Peace tower, now i have an envelope full of wishes to send to Iceland!

I thought today would be sad. I thought no one would remember me and that i would cry and be lonely. But it isn't true. In every corner of the world we find the things we need even when we think they aren;t there. Sometimes especially when we think they aren't there, they pop up with a smile.
I think this year is going to be the unravelling of everything true. I can feel it in my bones.
Imagine this plus 21 years

17th February 2009

10:07am: Today the sun is bright and I am sitting in the silence of my creaky flat.
I love quiet sunny mornings, i feel bright and shiny again after the biggest grunge of yesterday. L was here all weekend. The more time we spend together the more i need him. Everything is so up up up in the air. I am probably going home at the beginning of April. We haven;t been together long enough to just say, let's move across the country together, but at the same time i don't want this to be the end.
I don't know what to do. Do you just say, well that is life and move on...or do you try and hold on, with all you've got. It's not everyday that you find something this good in life.
I have so much healing to do, and he makes it a little easier, but maybe what i really need is to do it alone. But who wants to be alone...really?
It just hurts.

These are some things:
the mobiled i made for L out of a big gold earring

my warrior headress
the view from my bed up high

11th February 2009

10:49pm: I don't really know where this day went.
It is almost bed time. And i think i have been in bed most of the day.
It seems everyday is like this.
The days are sliding past without any glory, without their resonance and magic.
I don't really mind- in fact i would prefer this right now.
I am too lonely to want to slow down. Instead i hibernate in a nest of my imaginings, reading and watching movies and imagining one day when i will be magnificent and have a real life and have friends to make music with and play with and go on adventures with, like tree climbing and faerie hunting and other beautiful things. But up until now i haven't really found those people and i am not quite sure how one goes about doing it.
I guess i haven't really been in one place long enough to find anyone...or even anything. Lately I have climbed into the amazingly beautiful and gentle world of Sigur Ros.
I think they are probably angels. They are so full of love and light and they make me want to go to Iceland so much. The people wear these beautiful sweaters and they all seem so beautiful with their silky hair and earthy glow.
Just look

15th December 2008


On the twelfth day of Christmas, bubblegum_love sent to me...
Twelve kisses drumming
Eleven hugs piping
Ten flowers a-leaping
Nine bicycles dancing
Eight wings a-laughing
Seven fireworks a-writing
Six mermaids a-travelling
Five dre-e-e-eams
Four stars
Three holding hands
Two tori amos
...and a vegetarianism in a poetry.
Get your own Twelve Days:

In 2009, bubblegum_love resolves to...
Pay for my holding hands on time.
Start a paint fund.
Spend less time on acroyoga.
Be nicer to angelscar.
Overcome my secret fear of wings.
Learn to play the spanish.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:

14th October 2008

9:59pm: I thought you gypsies should see this, it is a little late- but it is still worth watching:

1st October 2008

6:06pm: This is my new family

20th August 2008

12:33pm: I've been pulling all my threads and I'm ragged and worn.
Like a rag doll.
But i am finally going my own way. Everything will be fine.
Surviving on little food or little sleep and LOTS of esoteric ideas that are making my head spin.
Another level of existence. I don't really know where the rest of me went.

I'm going soon. I was so afraid, hesistant. As i always am.
Asking ridiculous questions: why am i doing this? should i be going to montreal? am i going to survive? should i come back next year? la la la...
and so i consulted the I ching, book of change... AND well. everything is revealed.
here we go:
Hexagram 17: FOLLOWINGCollapse )
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